Different Isn't the Same as Right

My mom triggered me again just now — a raised voice, even though I was right that lying isn't good in general. It started over someone in the family who lied to their match about something, because they'd been told lying about it might be the better move, so they did. And I'm instinctively like — lying is never good. Especially to someone you're going to spend a long time with. My mom brought up how American thinking and culture are supposedly more "advanced," but since our family holds more traditional values, it's probably just better to lie. And I immediately pushed back: just because traditions are different doesn't mean people can't choose the right thing. Just because Taiwan or China might be more backwards on something culturally doesn't mean we can't do better. Like being ashamed of being gay or LGBTQ — a decade or two ago that would've been unheard of in Taiwan, and yet the better thing is to let people be who they are instead of hiding and lying like they're supposed to be ashamed. (The thing that set me off today wasn't an LGBTQ issue, to be clear — I just used it as an example.)

Either way, I'm reminded again why I don't want to spend as much time with my family. They just... don't get it sometimes. And on emotional regulation, we've all still got a long way to go. Indeed.

And earlier today, going through more of my stuff, I found a pamphlet on healthy versus abusive relationships. I highlighted two things, because I ended up doing both of them to Bryce when I was extremely dysregulated — things I regret. The silent treatment. And then, once it was already over, my anxious self couldn't stop reaching for him, even though I no longer had any right to. A hard lesson, but a real one.

Another thing on the list caught my eye too: "take turns paying for dates." I realized I should be doing more of that for Jordan. I'm just... a bit tight right now. But yeah — there's a lot going on. Maybe the best thing I can do is keep going.