The Next Right Step

I don't know what I'm feeling right now, or what I'm allowed to feel, or how to go forward. I just felt like the main reason Bryce left last year is happening again — or maybe, at this rate, is going to. My financial insecurity, my job situation, the self-employed/unemployed limbo of it all. It's making Jordan really nervous, and he's reaching out for help, except it came disguised as a stern talking-to. And he's right. He's definitely right about all of it — that I need to find something now and get somewhere, that most people have found employment by this point or are at least employed while working on their own thing on the side, that it's tough to live here in the Bay, tough to live at all right now, with inflation at an all-time high and everything.

But a part of me just... can't. I don't know why. Maybe it's the same part of me that's always found my life kind of meaningless, kind of unloved — probably because for my whole life love has felt performance-based, not something I get just for being who I am, thanks in part to my mom's ENTJ wiring. I don't blame her, or anyone in particular. It's just how the world works now. We grew up in individual-based families, and the other models of love — band-based, village-based, whatever — I never got to experience them, so I had to reparent that into myself. Maybe a village would have helped. But that wasn't the life I was given, was it?

And to even start thinking about going back into the workplace — doing work I don't like, dreading every day, feeling like my potential is being wasted — I don't know if I want that. And if I tried to apply to something I do like, like an engineer at a game company I love, I don't know if I'm qualified yet, if my resume is competitive enough. Besides, I'm scared of the whole interview gauntlet, the missing out, the having to perform for love and rewards and getting misunderstood all over again. Waiting until I finish this game app and ship it is probably too much of a wait for Jordan — and yet I think it's the best shot I have if I ever want to apply to anything I actually want.

I don't think he understands the pain of doing work that doesn't excite or stimulate my brain the way it needs. I know he's having a hard time at his own job right now, but at least he enjoys the problem-solving, the day-to-day of it. I don't. Maybe AI makes the work easier going forward, but there's so much dread and tension tangled up in software engineering for me that I just don't want to touch it. He says he'll apply to jobs for me, even do my work for me. I don't want that either. I don't want to be applying to jobs I don't want, and I don't want my work done by someone who isn't me — because it's supposed to be mine.

And that's not even the real point. Whatever job I end up with will define my day, no matter what it is, and make everything worse again. I'll suffer on every front — health, mental health, relationships, all of it. I don't think Jordan knows what he's asking for. I'm already ungraceful under stress; now imagine me doing work I hate all day.

And he doesn't seem to get that I care about this deeply. I've been putting in hours every single day. It's not like I've been chilling. I care a lot — I'm a perfectionist — I just need time. He said it's already been twelve months. It's been seven. Though I do realize that's a lot of time too. I know he's just stressed and tired and the heat is getting to him. But saying things this firmly... I'm not sure it ends well for me.

Part of me wants to just apply to whatever to appease him — but then I'm sacrificing myself, and I'll end up resenting him. Part of me wants to reassure him that I'll get somewhere eventually — but I don't trust myself enough to say that. I don't even trust that my situation will get better anytime soon, and I don't want to promise things I can't actually promise. So here's the dilemma. What do I do now?

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm in a library that closes in about fifty minutes, crying my way through typing all this out, with no real resolution. The adderall I took earlier has been helping, I think — at least part of me does feel capable, more confident in my abilities than ever — even if my life still sucks. I'm still managing emotions left and right. I'm still lonely and friendless. I'm still the immigrant kid who came here over a decade ago feeling helpless and othered, like I don't belong — because I'm not doing what everyone else is doing, because I don't have my shit figured out, because everything still sucks and I have nowhere that's truly safe to call home.

Maybe I should just travel and leave everything behind. I've wanted to for a while now. Nah. That'd just make it worse. I'm actually trying to build something here, despite all the setbacks. I can do this. I just need to keep going. I need to bite the bullet, apply to some jobs, and act like it isn't going to kill me — even though I know I'll feel horrible and meaningless doing it. And feeling meaningless is the number one pain in the world for me.

Action.

Action is going to make things better. I just need to act. Just take the next right step. Ship this app. Once it's shipped, it goes on my resume and I apply to things. Yeah. I think I can do this.

For now, though — let me go find the next place to chill once the library kicks me out.