More Than Ten Thousand Days In

Tonight was a sad night. I couldn't sleep — well, technically I've been trying for about seven hours now, and it's almost midnight. Jordan fell asleep at 4pm after I picked him up from the airport, having not slept for days and having had a bad time on the flight overall. And me, somewhere between not being able to fall asleep and just lying there recounting my whole life and what I've got to show for it so far — feeling so unaccomplished, lonely, empty — things started flooding back. Past relationships, Bryce in particular, all of it.

I suppose seeing my old high school and college stuff didn't help. High school me tried so hard to learn a new language and fit in, went through some intensely lonely and misunderstood years. College me, well — a large part of it I was just depressed, studying for things I didn't even like, still dealing with mental health stuff stemming from low self-esteem and poor emotional regulation in general. (One could say I'm not that much more evolved today, lol.) But I'm trying.

And I do realize that emotions, at the end of the day, are our own doing — barring sickness and whatnot. The combat-depression pamphlet I apparently picked up at some point sophomore year made that pretty clear. Low assertiveness is a big factor too, which is honestly a big ouch. As a personality I don't think I have much of it. But maybe leaning into it more will be my savior, and I'll actually feel happier.

Doing what I like, choosing what I want to do, who to be with, having strong opinions on things — these all feel so foreign to me. And yet, maybe I owe it to myself now. I've already lived more than ten thousand days; might as well.

So let's hope I can finally fall asleep after I eat something tonight and just forget about things for a bit. I did reach out to Jason about maybe grabbing boba if he's not busy. Maybe I won't feel so lonely and helpless if I just keep this up — we do live in the 21st century after all, and I have a lot of resources around me. What happens next really does come down to my own choices now.