Hopefully Later

This morning had a few moments where it was hard to emotionally regulate.

The first one was in the elevator. We'd lost our keys and needed to get up to level 11, so the plan was to take the elevator to 7 and walk the stairs from there. I'd already told the stranger in the elevator — a middle-aged man — in English what we were doing. But then the moment I switched to Mandarin to tell my dad the same plan, the guy snapped. In Mandarin. "Yeah just fucking use the staircase." "Who do you think you are."

I'm pretty sure he hadn't understood what I'd said in English. His English wasn't great. So in his head, we were just two random people taking up elevator space, and the moment I started speaking the language he could understand, all that built-up frustration came pouring out at me.

But also — who does he think he is, shouting at me the moment I switched to Mandarin? You're in a foreign country. Learn the language. Don't get emotionally pissed at someone for things you didn't even understand.

And then on top of that, apparently there's a two-hour family conversation I need to be part of today. So that's also waiting for me. Just… a lot of things stacking up at once.

This morning I actually had some good dreams. Part of my psyche somehow felt more whole — like the social stuff I've been part of lately is integrating in a quiet way. But then daylight came and everything piled on, and now it just feels like a lot.

Hopefully later today will be better.