Less Triggering, One Day

Another sleepless night, and I don't know why. Is it general restlessness? The Adderall I took this morning? How hot everything's been lately, the dehydration, eating too much? The fact that I haven't gone to the gym in a while? Or just thoughts in my head I haven't quite let go of yet? I'm not sure. All I know is that hours have gone by here because of it.

Well, might as well. I was drafting a letter to Bryce in my head again, even though he probably doesn't want to read it and I probably won't send it. But here's the letter, if it helps my brain soothe itself.

Hey Bryce, happy birthday. I hope you've been well.

I've had time to reflect a lot, and in the end I just want to say thank you for showing me what it's like to be the mirror version of me — of all the places I'm still working on. Inner peace, assertiveness, spontaneity, curiosity for curiosity's sake, authenticity — that's a big one — and a sense of forward motion, that action-first, abundant mindset I think I'm still learning for myself.

I hope my presence will eventually be less triggering for you, and I hope you heal in all the ways you need to heal. I know I personally needed to heal a lot, and get a lot better at emotional regulation, especially before meeting you and getting into that brief but happy courtship with you. How it ended was rough for me, and I don't blame you as much now — it was mostly on me, being emotionally stunted, not being able to process things in real time or ask calmly for what I needed from you, even during the breakup. I sent some stuff afterward with my dysregulated, overly anxious brain that I regret. But I hope you at least had a laugh when I sent that stupid slide deck, lol.

Anyway, I probably won't send this letter either, because I think in the end I haven't quite stabilized yet, and I don't want to risk the good thing I have going right now for someone who still meant something to me. I'll reach out one day, when you no longer trigger me completely — the way I've normalized things with my ex Matt and don't get triggered by his presence anymore. And maybe by then we can talk about the latest Apple TV hit shows like we used to. Or maybe I'll find my own people to share my love for shows and stories with, and not need to reach out to you at all — the world's bigger than ever now, and there's probably no evolutionary reason to dwell on certain people for long anyway.

I'm happily partnered, and you probably are too. And that's probably more than enough for the story between us.

That's it. That's the letter. Maybe now I can sleep.