Already Let Me Go

Happy Juneteenth.

Earlier today I was telling Dominic — Soundi — about some of my dreams, and after listening he said it sounds like I'm not over Bryce yet. And I said yeah, that's probably true, though hopefully I'd be over him soon. Then he asked: if Bryce came back into my life and asked to give it another try, would I consider it? And I said no. Not out of bitterness or anything — just that we're both different people now, we've grown, and yeah, maybe if we really strove for it we could actually make it work this time, the circumstances have changed too. But I'm dating a kind, wonderful man now. I'm not going to let that go for someone who already let me go once.

So that was something to say out loud.

The dreams themselves were a lot. I'd meant to paste them here but Snapchat autodeleted my chats within 24 hours, lol, so the wall of text I sent Bryce — yeah, in the dream I was texting Bryce about all of this — is gone. But the gist: it was long. I was at this huge amusement-park-wide party where I was supposed to meet up with six different dates, each one with its own little story, its own interactions, its own corner of the park. The last date was kind of clingy. I was heading home and he wanted to come along, and it scared me, and somehow that's what I ended up texting Bryce about, and dream-Bryce was like yeah, that does sound scary. Which — I get it now, the whole anxiety thing. It just ends up making people feel unsafe. And there was also an Independence Day-vibe alien ship blasting the city, and I had to scramble to find a room to hide in, except the room could lift off, so I watched the whole city get destroyed from above. Among other things. Busy night in there.

Then I turned it back on Dominic and asked if he'd go back to the guy he dated for four years, the one he broke up with maybe two years ago. He said no too — especially now that he's landed on the abundance mindset. There are simply so many lovable, attractive people in the whole wide world, so why limit yourself to someone who's already hurt you and left. And I was like, YASSS queen. That's it. That's the real sauce right there.

But then he told me he and his ex have actually been texting, even called recently, and while it felt okay as a kind of closure, it didn't feel like a proper repairing of what happened between them. So he's still really unsure. Interesting place to be in. I left him a voice note back saying yeah — I don't think he's actually putting in the work yet, being the emotional support you'd need him to be in order to mend any of it. Closure and repair aren't the same thing. But we'll see.