The Patagonia Shirt

Just watched "Swapped" on Netflix with Jordan, and damn — that movie just feels so wholesome and real and good all the way through. It's almost like humans are meant for stories like this. Tales of kindness, curiosity, sacrifice, bridging across to others, taking care of the ones who need it, the uncertainty of whether your loved ones will come back. The emotions all land spot on. I loved it. And I keep thinking — I wish I could bring that same emotional impact into my own game.

Which, speaking of, is still going slowly. Today I had a lot of trouble just cleaning things up — getting my game running off the same worktree, using the right main branch on GitHub, all of that. It was a lot. But it's okay, I think, in the end. I can do this.

What I did realize, though, is that I tend to keep the app stuff to myself. I don't really share it with Jordan. And I think it's because I'm afraid he'll judge me — which probably traces back to my relationship with my mom. Maybe I can do better there. Tell him more of what I'm actually struggling with, instead of just holding all of it alone.

He's said, repeatedly, that he's really happy being with me — proud of himself for finding me, for falling in love with his best friend. And I love that, and I reciprocate it. But I think I can do better on the best friends part, specifically by being more transparent about what I'm going through.

Because honestly, I'm not sure we're actually best friends yet. And I don't know if I'm best friends with anyone in the world yet — even with myself. I feel so much awe and gratitude toward Jordan, like I owe him a lot, and part of me still isn't completely clear. It's a weird in-between state. I sense that fundamentally a part of me still believes I'm not enough, not whole — like I'm still working toward something in order to feel complete. It's hard to differentiate. And with the app not done and me needing to visit Taiwan next week, everything feels in the air, still piling up, still overwhelming.

I don't feel in control. Not really. Not yet. But I suppose I'll just keep striving toward it.

Jordan noticed the Patagonia shirt I was wearing today and asked where I got it. I told him it came from a friend, two years ago. And it's true — it's the shirt Bryce gave me after he came back from Vietnam lol. I hid it for a while because I didn't want to deal with all the emotions tied up in my projections of him. But these days, I think I can just wear it now and feel at peace. He gave me a lot, and at the end of the day we were both just not ready. Heck, I don't even think I'm ready now lol. Life is still hard and I'm still learning, still working on parts of me that never got surfaced.

Even this morning I had a realization. I was reading about how one of George Washington's slaves freed herself by traveling to New Hampshire during her lifetime, and I started thinking about circumstances and morality and how these situations echo. And it hit me that my childhood — the in-home servant situation — feels oddly like a version of that. My mom would treat her as a second-class citizen, yell at her for no reason. As a kid I'd try to stop it, or comfort the "aunties" afterward. It was hard, and it definitely left a mark.

They always cooked good food and took good care of us. I'm still in touch with one of them — Charmaine, on Facebook. It's been a while. I should reach out and see how she's doing.