What a Night

Rough day, in the end.

Mom met Jordan today, which was actually great. She kept telling me how happy she is that I have him being here for me now. That part landed warmly. I'd been looking forward to that part for a while.

But later in the evening, mom's card got sniped at the gas station — she'd accidentally left it behind, and didn't realize it until much later. By the time it hit her, she was already emotionally dysregulated, panicking, trying to call for help. I tried to stay calm and steady through it. But at some point she snapped, and then I snapped too. It wasn't great.

Jordan saw the whole thing happen — we were at his place — and quietly stepped out of the apartment to give us space to regulate and process. That was kind of him. Not pulled in, not judging, just stepped away.

In the end we did regulate and calm down. I drove her home, then came back. It looks like she'll just need to get the card replaced — not the end of the world, in the larger sense.

But being with her tonight like that reminded me of countless times I had to endure something just like this growing up, with basically no one else around to help us regulate. No one to step out and give it space. No one to soften it. Just us, locked in the loop, until eventually it ended.

It's unfortunate. But it was what it was. From here, we can only get better — try to heal a bit more, get less triggered, give ourselves the spaciousness no one gave us back then.

Yeah. What a night.