The Night Everything Felt Like Too Much

Can't sleep. I should have just stayed still when I was already drifting — the moment was there and I got up instead, and now I'm wide awake with a head full of everything I'd rather not think about at midnight.

The anxieties are all here. I'm acutely aware that naming them gives them more surface area in my brain, that this is maybe not the most strategic choice at 11:59 PM, and I'm going to do it anyway.

A slow, ongoing process of reconciliation with people I have unresolved things with. The furniture still piling up at the house that I need to list on Marketplace, which requires driving back and forth, which is a lot on top of everything. My own deadline — end of March — to have my stuff sorted, cleared, packaged, and fully moved out. Taxes in the next 20 days. Getting $7,000 into my Roth IRA when I still need to figure out where that money is actually coming from. The app, and the quiet uncertainty underneath it — am I adding too much? Am I going too slow? Is this going anywhere? And then the not-sleeping problem itself, which now spawns its own anxiety: Jordan noticing tomorrow, making gentle comments, maybe making decisions for me about what I need. I don't know.

And Bryce, who is still, of course, a little on my mind — I'd like to say I'm completely over it, but I'm not completely over it. What he did, leaving entirely when I was still in the middle of processing everything — I don't think I've fully forgiven that yet. My mom still triggers me sometimes. I'm still behind a lot of my peers. I'm not sure I'm meaningfully wiser than I was a few years ago.

It's a lot.

But then I think about today, actually. Because today was also a good day.

I met Jordyn on Focusmate, who got excited about my ice age game and told me I have the personality to make it. I met Noble in the common room — he was there with his two-year-old son, giving his wife some space, just hanging out. He told me he used to be an astronomy researcher using ML techniques to observe the sky before transitioning to Netflix's ad or recommendation team. His eyes were this light grey-blue. His son had luminous long hair and the energy of someone who has not yet learned to be anxious about anything. 🌌

I have a partner who is genuinely loving. I have this site, which is actually going. I have the strange privilege of working on my own project, on my own time, without anyone telling me what to build.

It's just hard to feel all of that when it's midnight and the to-do list is real.

I'll eat something small. Try to sleep again. Tomorrow I'll go back to the house and get more done — more listings, more clearing, more progress toward having this chapter actually closed. I may not have had the best start. I'm learning to parent myself in a language I'm still catching up to. But I have a sound mind. I can do this.

It's okay if I'm behind. At least I'm moving. 🌙